He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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