Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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