Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
