There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
