i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
