How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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