you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
