moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
