no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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