Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
