you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
