it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
