Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
