I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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