I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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