Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
