Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
