Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
