found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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