WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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