I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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