Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
