i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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