i jhust puked up my retainher.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
