The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
only if we run a train.
done.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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