At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
