Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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