Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
