Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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