a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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