FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
