I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
