He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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