Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
