i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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