my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
