You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
