No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
organizing the empties. That sober.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
