Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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