Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
