If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
