Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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