I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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