Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
