ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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