I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
