Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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