My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
