Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
