your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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