I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize