So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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