Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
