She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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